Thursday, 20 February 2014

The Road with the Brick Wall in the Middle and the Ice Cream at the Finish Line

Back in December a few weeks before Christmas, I felt like it was a slow and steady climb down a hill. Well... at first it was slow and steady, and then it turned into a tumble, and then a fall. Every time I went to class I found a reason to be disappointed in myself and at first it felt like it was okay because I need to be hard on myself to push myself... but then it turned into this self abuse. I can distinctly remember asking myself "why aren't you improving even just a little bit? Why am I not getting it? Why am I not applying? Why can't I do this? I don't want to dance this way anymore. Why can't I fix it?"

Now it's time to start another week, and I have 2 classes to make up, so it'll be a busy week. Great. So I go to class, and in every class I work my butt off trying to find something to like about myself... but I continued to beat myself up. Everyday, every class it was this constant struggle and I was so exhausted from it. I said to myself "you know what? Don't even take your last class for this week. You're tired, your fed up, nothing worked, just give up and stay home." But then I stopped and said "Oksana, that's not like you. You're stubborn. Just go, it's only one more class." So I went into that class just like all the others... negative. The only thing that was different was that I was tired and didn't even care anymore. I was just there. When we were about to do groups I told myself to just pick my head up, it's almost over and I just have to hang on 10 more minutes, then I can go home and just rest after this horrible week.

When it was my group's turn, I took a deep breath and just did it. When I was done I felt something I never felt before, and it felt so amazing. I don't even know what I did, it was just different! And then my teacher Moe says "Oksana... now that is dancing." And I cannot even explain the relief that I felt in that moment to know that I worked so hard that whole week thinking that I did it all for nothing... but in the end, it did pay off. And to think that I almost didn't even take the class...

Now... after Christmas break was over I was so excited to get back to dancing! I finally reached the point where I was so happy that I would wake up tomorrow knowing that I will be taking class again, and whatever I didn't do yesterday I will try again today. I started to not care if I "got it" or not and you know why? Because yesterday is not my last day dancing. I realized that I am at Harbour everyday. I have everyday of the week to reach that one goal, I have 7 days to try again... even more than that! I have 13 classes in a week, I have 13 "second chances" in 7 days. There are not many people in this world who are allowed to make that many mistakes at their job. Artists are lucky because their job IS making mistakes. Just like Kelly Konno said... "learn to love the process." because the process IS your job.

I've hit the point where I go home at the end of each day and all I think about is how much I enjoy what I'm doing and that I can't wait to do it all again tomorrow. Now, I am okay if I "don't get" the combo anymore because it's only one day and only one combo and I have many chances to redeem myself. When I screw up or just know that I'm not getting it, I just laugh and say "oh man... this just needs to be a lot better next time." and then I just leave it be. If you don't have any bad days then you won't notice any improvements. You need to fall in order to get back up and each time you fall you will get up stronger and faster the next time. I have no doubt that I will fall and hit that brick wall I can't get through again and beat myself up about it, but that is all part of the process. I am okay with knowing that on the other side if that brick wall is an epiphany and big bowl of ice cream! Now that I know that on the other side of the wall there is something worth while, I would go through that same process any day. I just needed to do it once to realize that its something that I needs to happen and to just push through it until the wall crumbles, because honestly, I am the type of person who loves challenges. You tell me I can't do something and the challenge is on... my back hurts and I say to myself "GET UP! DO IT!" Because I'm stubborn and that's why I love dance because its an art that keeps on growing and it will always keep me busy with something new. I'm really starting to love the struggle because the result is so much greater when you know that it took all the strength you had to reach that goal. It is so worth it in the end. SO WORTH IT!


Okay so... I did have a blog before, but I had a different google account and then I forgot the password because it's been 3 years since I've posted on it... 3 years! That's horrible! Anyways... so I've decided that it is really time I started blogging again since there are so many thoughts in this little head of mine, and so many things going on in my life that are worth recording. I will start with my first post tomorrow morning! Can't wait :)